Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you’re ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO’s like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Loved by Some, Hated by Many, Envied by Most,
Yet Wanted by Plenty
10% luck
20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure
50% pain
100% reason to remember the name!
I write your name in my breath on the window, Sit and watch as it fades away
Hi honey.
Guess what I did at work today?
I wore a bomb.
A nuclear bomb in a field of flowers.
I could get lucky.
Tomorrow I could have a bigger bomb.
I could kill more people.
Maybe they'll be innocent people.
Children, maybe.
"You are like a plague, John Crichton,
and you have ruined my life . . .
and yet
I just keep coming back."
I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
